Strawberry Mime

I think that if there were a global conspiracy, it would be lead by dentists. People don't think too much about it, but dentists have complete access to your mouth. To everyone's mouths. They can just say, "oh, you've got a cavity back there," then bring out the drill and BAM, there's space to fit the tiny microphone, the GPS, the flash memory, the transponder -- whatever they want to get on you. Sure, it's a lot to cram in there, but technology is small these days. And if they really need more space, well, suddenly you'll have two cavities.

And what happens when you switch dentists, and the new guy finds out you've got a microphone and a GPS and a flash memory and a transponder all sitting back in #17? What if the new dentist isn't down with the conspiracy? No matter. Because when they see that microphone is recording, they'll turn their head slowly to #32. It's a bomb. They'll look up, suddenly, falsely calm. "Well, everything looks good today." Yes, just stay cool, and no one needs to explode. In a far-away basement, a gloved hand will ease away from an ominous red button, its owner cracking the slightest smile as everything goes according to plan.

Orange Mime

My parents found a patent number on their napkin rolls at dinner the other day. Patent #6,644,498: Continuous roll paper napkin rings. See the idea is that you take paper napkins, and you stick them in a roll. Like toilet paper.

I'm just glad we have a system in place to protect valuable innovation like this.

Sad but probable

Live Paint test
Yesterday I was trying to figure out the etymology of the common phrase, "laughing my ass off." A quick search reminded me that it's commonly associated with rolling on the floor, ala ROFLMAO (Rolling On the Floor Laughing My Ass Off), so I thought perhaps the phrases are fundamentally linked, and one's ass is removed because of all the rolling. You know, via a process of erosion.

Sadly, my good friend S pointed out that phrases of the form "verbing my noun off" are simply a common idiom of the English language, and therefore unlikely to have such a logical origin.

True story.

You know how when you tell a random tidbit about your life, and everyone kind of stares at you like, "So?" "And your point is ...?" At this point you say, "True story." This is the official confession that indeed, that was all there was to that pointless rambling about your life. That no, the rambling did not have a point. Man. That might happen to me too often? I'm not even sure. I don't really know what goes on in my own life.

Anyway, the following stories are all true.

1. Until about a week ago I thought fl oz stood for "floral ounces." I have no idea where that idea came from -- presumably some early childhood confusion that remained, unquestioned, for ages. I would always think, "that's an odd term!" And then I'd stop thinking about it. Until last week, when I thought about it slightly longer, and said "OH."

2. I also thought that the "pussy" in pussyfoot was a reference to vulvas. Because, like, pussyfooting is non-masculine? But then I thought a little further on that. "Pussyfoot: To walk like a vulva? Pussyfoot: A vulva's foot? Pussyfoot: A foot MADE OUT OF VULVAS?" Oh my. "OH WAIT, CATS."

3. I was talking about places I wouldn't want my picture to appear on the Internet, and I mentioned "hitlerornot" as a joke. Then I googled it, and it turns out it exists.

4. I pulled a hair out of my ear the other day. A rather long one that was stuck there. It prompted important questions, like "Do hairs grow in ears?" and "Could I have actually plucked a mutant hair ... from my ear?" It was like 2 - 3 inches of ear hair! There is that slight chance that it may have been a head hair that had become firmly rooted in earwax ... but damn it, I choose to believe it was a legitimate ear hair. Of record length. Before this, I wasn't even sure hairs grew in ears! Take note: this is the kind of important lesson you learn by sticking a finger in your ear.

5. I have a box of vitamin powder that you can stick in drinks. On the side, it has a typical blurb about how this guy who invented this powder is awesome, and how the powder is awesome. The closing of the blurb is this: "After drinking it you will feel the difference. And you'll appreciate how it makes you feel for the rest of your life. Which could be a very, very long time."

(no subject)

I went to the library to return a few books yesterday, and, randomly, while wandering the stacks, found a book from our distant past which encouraged "humanists" to adopt the "word processor."  The opening essay from it just seems so overwrought; it made me laugh ...
The very phrase "word processing" has, upon some, the effect of making each particular hair stand on end. Did Keats "process" words, did Emily Dickinson? Even those whose hairs are unaroused may find their trepidations mounting: might they not imagine that word processing is too expensive, too complicated, too embedded in technicalities for such as chose a humanist profession with its notorious attachment to the traditional? One need not fear absorption into the military-industrial complex to question so mechanical an assault on the technique of literary creation. I write here, not primarily to celebrate computer efficiency for those whose lives are words, but rather to reassure and persuade the timid souls who view word processing with a lackluster, affronted, or feaful eye.

What follows is one woman's story, designed to encourage those in a liminal state regarding computers. {etc}

A Poll for the Timid Soul:

Why do you view word processing with a lackluster, affronted, or fearful eye? (Circle all that apply)
  1. The phrase "word processing" arouses my hairs
  2. I want to emulate the life and times of Emily Dickinson
  3. Faced with new technology, my notorious attachment to tradition causes my trepidations to mount
  4. I fear absorption into the military-industrial complex

(no subject)

(Hello summertime!)

So, normally I don't really mind the details of a free software license -- if it's going to require me to acknowledge it in a readme, or copyleft, or whatever, that's probably fine for research software purposes. But I think perhaps GlovePIE steps over the line ...

This is the GlovePIE license!  Observe:
By using this software you agree to obey the following license conditions:

* You can't make money using this software as part of a baseball simulation. This is for contractual reasons. But you can make as much money as you like using it for anything else.

* You may not use this software directly or indirectly for any military purpose. This includes, but is not limited to, training, research and development, controlling military hardware, directing military personel, or troop entertainment. You may not use this software anywhere on a military base or vessel. This applies to all versions of PIE.

* You may not export this software to Israel, or use it in Israel (including the occupied territories), until Israel has ended its occupation of the West Bank, Gaza Strip, Lebanon, Syria, and anywhere else it may occupy. If you try to run it in Israel it will give you an error.

* Missionaries may not use this software. It may not be used for any missionary purpose. Or any other genocidal purpose.

* You may not use this software to cheat at online or multiplayer games. What constitutes cheating depends on the game and the server. Just using a different input device shouldn't be considered cheating, but complex scripted actions to make things easier may be considered cheating. Don't get GlovePIE banned, or you will hurt everyone who wants to play with a VR glove. But feel free to cheat at single player!